3 AM
by dayzejane
Summary: A meta-fiction inspired by Elizabeth Cords' Riddick vs. The Plot Bunnies and my own attempts to push past writer's block. What happens when I've had entirely too much coffee and not enough sleep.


A/n: This piece was partially inspired by Elizabeth Cords' meta-fiction Riddick vs. The Plot Bunnies and partially by my own writer's block. This is my attempt to sledgehammer my way through.

*0*

It's late. Perhaps it could be called early; insomnia tends to blur that particular line of perspective. All I know is the green numbers tell me it's sometime after three AM. I'm not wearing my glasses; my vision is just as blurry as my perspective. I've smoked my way through an entire pack of cigarettes and drank my way through two and a half pots of coffee. Some writer's drink or do drugs; coffee and cigarettes are my lifeblood. I can't remember whether or not I've eaten at all today.

Maybe that's why I'm not totally surprised to see Riddick as I look up. I try not to laugh. It's hard because, you see, watching the convict trying to get comfortable on a giant beanbag chair is a sight I never thought I'd see.

"Your place stinks like shit." He rumbles with a scowl. His goggles are off. My house is dark; lit only by the faint glow of my laptop screen. It really is brutal in its intensity. The light from it catches the silver glint of his eyes and I know I shouldn't, but its late, I'm jazzed on caffeine and I just really don't like it when people insult my house.

"Fuck you." I snort. "That's nag champa. It's a part of my system."

"Fucking hippie."

"Fucking convict."

There's a lull in conversation after that. He just stares at me. It's unnerving, to say the least. I try to focus on the screen, but the blinking cursor against the stark white virtual paper mocks me.

"There a point to this visit, Riddick?" I snap. I regret my tone as soon as the words leave my lips, but that's always been my problem. Riddick starts to growl and I just roll my eyes; the effect of his threat is lost as he struggles to stand up from the bean bag.

"Why don't you tell me, Princess?"

I find myself growling slightly now as well. "What did I tell you about calling me that, **Richard**?" I hiss out, looking up at him from my laptop.

"What did I tell you about dance scenes?" He growls back.

"Oh, get over it!" I shove my laptop away disgustedly. "That was one time in Beast and the Ballerina and I've already apologized for that. I don't know why you're bitching; it got you laid didn't it?"

"Ain't the point." He flicks out one of his blades and lets it dance across his fingers.

"That don't work on me, Riddick. You can play with your claws all you want, but remember, Furyan, I hold the pen um, or rather I hit the keys. Didn't you learn your lesson? Remember what happened the last time you fucked with me?"

The convict shudders slightly.

I can't help the smug smirk which forces its way across my face and I cross my arms for good measure. "Can anyone say 'Harry Potter'?" I taunt him.

"Fuck you." He spits out.

I roll my eyes and release an aggravated sigh. "This isn't getting us anywhere, Riddick. Why is it you're really here?" I push myself out of my own beanbag chair and head to the kitchen. I think he's surprised by the fact that I willingly turned my back on him.

"Whispers."

I feel my face scrunch with confusion as I head for the coffee pot. "What? The ones that tell you to go for the sweet spot? I thought you liked those?"

"You're other fucking story, babe." He leans against the kitchen doorframe.

I roll my eyes. "Goggles." I warn him before flipping on the light. "What about it?"

"River's mine."

"Listen, Big Bad," I sigh again as I pour my coffee. "I already have three different versions of you running in three different stories; Whispers doesn't even take place along your timeline."

"Cobb's there." I swear there was a hint of petulance in his tone. "So's Kaylee, and I know you got plans for the others."

"Aw, you poor fucking baby." I really don't have time for his temper tantrums. It's been more than a week since I've published anything and I'm getting just as antsy about it as some of my readers. "I haven't even touched that story in months so quit your bitching."

"Exactly. I know you're going to do a rewrite and I want in." He rumbles.

"Coffee?" I hold up the pot, something tells me he's not going to go away so easily tonight.

"Got anything with more of a kick?"

"Chad brought some kind of weird-ass rum and he's on this beer-making kick, except he hasn't made any yet; he just keeps using it as an excuse to buy weird beers."

"No whiskey?"

He looks almost crestfallen and I repress the urge to laugh, I'm a bit annoyed at this point so it's not all that hard. "I was unaware a fictional Furyan would be dropping by." I reply tersely.

"Beer's good." He grunts.

"Well, it's in the fridge. " I shrug and dart underneath his arm and back into my living room. I can hear him cursing under his breath but choose to ignore it. He's not going to win this Whispers argument. I am not doing a three-way cross over; he can go and fuck himself for all I care.

"What kind of cheap fucking replacement is that dog, anyway?" He snaps as he pops the cap of his beer.

"Wolverine?" I asked skeptically.

"Whatever the fuck he calls himself." Riddick snorts.

"What is this? Some kind of weird knife envy? You jealous 'cause his claws are built-in?" I couldn't resist and his growling tells me I may have just crossed a line. I light up a cigarette, if I'm going to die I'd like one more before I go.

"Wolverine, also known as glutton, carajou, skunk bear, or gulon. The largest species of the Mustelidae family in the genus Gulo." Both of our heads jerk up to see River dancing down my stairs.

"Oh, sweet rice crackers and holy mustard." I let my head thud against the wall several times.

"Weasel, not dog." She corrects Riddick.

The convict throws his head back and barks out a laugh. "A weasel? Really, DJ? You trade me in for a fucking weasel."

"To be fair, I don't think Stan Lee really researched that name. When you hear Wolverine, it invokes the image of something big, wild, and scary." To be honest I was unaware that a Wolverine was a weasel until this very moment; but I wasn't about to admit it.

"Doesn't change the fact the man's a weasel." Riddick scoffs as he sips off his beer. "You want to be with a weasel, babe?" He drops his arm around River and pulls her into his side.

River looks nervous. She doesn't like to take sides in these little arguments between me and Riddick. She's smarter them him; she knows that if she pisses me off then she goes right back to super crazy.

"Don't you drag her into this, Riddick!" I exclaim without realizing it.

"She's got a say." Riddick shrugs.

"Actually no, she doesn't, and neither do you for that matter, Big Bad. I. Am. The. Writer." I bite my words off clearly, leaving no room for misinterpretation.

"And that's exactly who I wanted to have some words with." My back door opens and closes and once more I find myself thudding my head against the wall as none other than Malcolm Reynolds flops down onto my beanbag. He seems much more comfortable with it than Riddick did.

"What the hell do you want?" I yell, slightly exasperated. "For the love of protein squares, I haven't even written your character into Whispers yet!"

"Feelin' a bit thirsty." He replies, eyeing Riddick's beer and ignoring my question. Some how I get the feeling his beef isn't with Whispers.

"It's got a dancing turtle on it." Riddick informs him eyeing the label.

"For fuck's sake. I told you Chad's been into weird beers. It's in the fridge."

"What? You ain't gonna get it for your captain?"

"First of all, you're not **my** captain." I point out. "Second of all, get it your fucking self. Can't you people see I am trying to write tonight? I promised Thug the next piece by last night so, if you can't tell, I'm a little behind schedule."

"Trying. Operative word." River mumbles.

"I heard that." I mutter as Mal gets up to get himself a drink. "What was it you wanted?" I ask him as he walks back in.

"I was kinda hopin' you could sweet talk Inara a bit for me." He replies sheepishly. It would almost be endearing if I didn't have a shitload of other things to worry about at the moment.

"You're the one with your head up your ass, captain. Quite frankly, deal with it yourself. You should thank Thug because he stopped me from killing her off." His face pales dramatically and now I feel a bit bad for confessing that to him.

"Why in the gorram hell would you do that? !" He shouts at me.

"Shhh! God, shut the hell up! If you wake Zach or Chad up I'm gonna have a hell of a time explaining this to them. And I didn't kill her, did I?"

"Not for lack of begging." Riddick smirked.

"Stay the fuck out of this." I snap at him. "Listen, she's eye candy. That's all she is. She conveniently disappears every time there's a gunfight and what the hell did she think she was wearing during the final Reaver battle on Mr. U's moon?" I'm thirty seconds away from slamming my laptop closed and telling them all to fuck off when a loud crash sounds from my basement. "Holy hell." I groan. "What now?" My question answers itself as a cursing Jayne Cobb comes barreling through my basement door. "Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me."

"Lights are dead down there." He informs me.

"Yeah, no shit." I grunt, lighting up another smoke.

"You got a cigar?" He asks hopefully.

"I got Marlboros take it or leave it." I toss the pack at him.

"Better than nothin'." He shrugs. "Where'd they get beer?"

"Fridge." Riddick grunts.

"Shiny." He smirks as he tosses me back my pack and heads into the kitchen.

"Somebody want to tell me why we're having this impromptu meeting in my living room?" I ask heatedly as Jayne saunters back in. He taps his bottle against Riddick's before throwing back the first swig.

"Ain't bad for turtle beer." Cobb remarks.

"It's not made from turtles; they're just dancing across the label." I snort. "Anybody gonna answer me?"

"Fucking hippie."

"Yeah, we've covered that already, Riddick." I snap at him again.

"Listen, DJ-," Jayne starts nervously and I can tell right away whatever he's going to say just might quite possibly rupture my brain. "About me and Sunshine "

Riddick and Mal start to laugh; River stomps on Riddick's foot for me, earning a snarl from him and an appreciative glance from me. I think a certain Reader is going to have a good day in the next installment I write. She can hear my thoughts and beams a smile back at me.

Jayne scowls but presses onward after a steadying drag off his cigarette. "I know you're plannin' on rewritin' BnB and Partners and I was thinkin' maybe you might be so inclined as to pair us."

"Not happening!"

"Sweet love of flaming Christmas trees." I groan as my front door opens and an incredibly pissed off Dr. Tam comes storming through.

"She was out of her mind to give her to you in Chronicles! Kaylee is mine. Joss gave her to me and as soon as Chronicles is done Dayze is going back to work on BnB and Partners and I am getting Kaylee back." He finishes with an angry snort as he crosses his arms.

Jayne takes a step forward like he's about to squash the doc and I just can't have that; I still need the man. "Whoa!" I yell as I jump back up from the beanbag and between the two. "Not here, not now."

Jayne catches my eye and gives me a knowing wink. It's no secret that Dr. Tam is one of my least favorites. I made the mistake of telling Jayne as I was writing Shindig. After a few shots of Southern Comfort I admitted to trying to conceive a likely storyline where I could kill him off early. Jayne hasn't let me forget it since; it was the last time I tried to drink the merc under the table.

"There will be no major pairing changes in any stories. Let me make myself clear. Jayne, I cut you a break in Chronicles, don't make me regret it. Riddick, Wolverine gets River in Whispers, end of story; literally." I shake my head slightly; God it's way too late for this. "Mal, you want Inara, get your head out of your ass and quit calling her a whore." I'm breathing a bit heavily after that declaration and aside from a very smug looking Simon and a bored looking River; the other three men are looking at me like I might get shived any second now.

"Shut the hell up!" Fuck. My head jerks up at the sound of my brother's voice yelling from the top of the stairs. "I got a history final tomorrow! You think you could tell your little psycho-fuck fictional family to shut the hell up?"

"Thanks, guys." I glare at the gathered crew. "Thanks a whole fucking lot. It's bad enough I forget to feed the kid unless he reminds me and now I gotta worry about the voices in my head keeping him up at night, too."

"I could go up and put on a shadow puppet show."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" I scream as Wash and Zoe come sauntering in. Apparently, they've already helped themselves to more of Chad's beer. He's going to kill me in the morning. "Wash, I really don't think a seventeen year old wants a puppet show at four o'clock in the fucking morning." I sigh rubbing my temples. When did this all become so complicated? Originally, it was supposed to be Riddick and River, that was it and now I have the whole gorram crew breathing down my neck.

"Nice try, baby." His wife grins at him. "I think shadow puppets stop working at ten."

"This is my brother we're talking about, shadow puppets ceased to amuse him at age eight." I don't know why I'm sharing this information with them. "Why are you two here now?"

"No reason." Wash whistles as he looks off in the opposite direction; I'm not buying it. "Okay so maybe I was hoping to sweet talk you into not killing me off."

"So, you like living?" I try to joke, but it seems a bit morbid. I always did like Wash. I didn't think it was fair Joss killed him and let Inara live.

Zoe doesn't seem to think it's funny either and I find myself clearing my throat uncomfortably as her fingers twitch over her holster.

I go for a change of topic. "Book, you might as well come out now, everybody else is here." I call out to the air. Oddly enough the Shepherd steps out of my closet.

"You know there is a hookah in there." He informs me.

"Fucking hippie." Riddick smirks again.

"You know what? Fuck you guys. There's a gorram hookah sitting on the table of the common room, anybody wanna explain that?" I challenge. Silence. "Thought so." I said smugly. My face falls slightly. "Where's Inara?" Figures, I always forget to write her into a scene, why should I be surprised that I've forgotten to give her a walk on role in this deluded fantasy.

"I'm not coming out!" I hear a feminine voice yell from inside my bathroom.

"And why the fuck not?" I snap.

"You wanted to kill her." Riddick points out and drains the last of his beer. "She ain't suicidal."

"Oh." Makes sense. "Fine, stay in the bathroom for all I care, just like always you disappear during conflict."

My taunt worked because now the bathroom door is flying open. "It is not my fault! Who in their right mind brings a bow and arrow to a Reaver battle? What was Joss thinking? And that outfit," she laughs bitterly. "Yes, let me wear a silk harem outfit to a Reaver fight, I might as well have put myself on a buffet line." Apparently this has been on her mind for a while. "You gave Jayne Kaylee, let Book be an embittered convict, gave Riddick a conscience and me? You just keep forgetting about me." She was whining now.

"You get your sex scene with the Councilor in War Stories." I replied easily sipping off my coffee. Apparently that wasn't the answer she was looking for. She gives me a glare worthy of Zoe. "Look, Inara, I am trying okay? I gave you that River scene and one with Kaylee, what do you want from me? It's not like your character was all that pivotal and ya know what? Fuck Mal. I mean literally have sex, 'cause all this tension is giving me a gorram headache." Apparently that wasn't the answer she was looking for either because she unleashes a rant of vicious Mandarin at me before storming out and slamming my front door.

"Good fucking riddance." I can hear Riddick chuckle from inside the kitchen as he grabs another beer. I echo his sentiments entirely but Mal is glaring at me so I choose to not voice them.

"What's your issue, Book?" I might as well get this over with.

"It's against the rules of my order to kill." He replies flatly.

"Oh shut the hell up." Another cigarette seems to light itself and find its way into my hand. I look up gratefully at River.

"Suck up." Jayne mutters.

I ignore him and turn my attention back to Book. "Listen, old man, stop your bitching or you can go right back into the useless character pile right alongside Inara and Badger."

"Hey!"

"Mal, not now." I practically snarl. "You're the one with your head up your ass. Maybe if you were a bit more honest with yourself Inara wouldn't have had such a disposable role." Truth hurts and I'm not sorry for my words, somebody had to say something to the man.

A silence falls over my living room, and it occurs to me that one of my favorites is missing. "Jayne, where's Kaylee?"

"Why are you asking him?" Simon demands angrily.

"Because if you haven't noticed, Simon, Chronicles is the only story I'm working on right now and in that story you missed your chance." I shoot back. I really have some issues with the doctor I'm going to have to work out if I ever plan on getting BnB finished. My dislike of him is semi-irrational but I'm not about to admit that. River nods knowingly at me. Her brother is a boob, there's no getting around it.

Simon is scowling now but I turn my attention back to a smug looking merc who just stubbed his cigarette out on my wall. I ignore it, mainly because it's an improvement over the last time in which he put out a cigar on my hardwood floors. I can only ask so much from them.

"So where's Kaylee?"

"Somebody call me?" On cue, the cheerful strawberry blonde comes skipping into my living room from God only knows where. I only own a condo for Christ's sake. She looks nervously between Simon and Jayne and I give her a slight nod. She skips over to Jayne's side and lets the merc toss an arm over her shoulder.

Simon is turning several shades of red. I can't be brought to feel any kind of sympathy over it. I was loyal to the Simon/Kaylee ship, but Chronicles has changed my opinion drastically in the matter and I start giving some thought to a Kaylee/Jayne pairing in future Partners updates despite my earlier declarations.

"You want a drink?" I ask Kaylee.

"Brought my own thanks." She chirps as she pulls a flask out of her coverall pockets. I knew there was a reason I loved Kaylee.

"Inter-engine?" I ask.

"You know it." She smiles.

I nod absently as I glance back down to my still blank laptop screen. This really isn't helping any and my living room is beginning to feel crowded. I also start to feel bad because I didn't offer Simon or Book a drink. If they didn't realize already that I didn't like them, it was probably clear now. Shit. "Book, Simon drink?" I try to do some damage control.

"No, I think I know when I'm not wanted." Simon spits out from behind a clenched jaw, his eyes not leaving Kaylee or Jayne. Oh, dear Lord, what have I done?

"I gave you Lara." I spit out quickly.

"The fuck you did!" Jayne pushes himself off the wall.

"Not now, Jayne." Kaylee hisses at him and tugs him down onto another one of the beanbags. They land with a comical flop; the only thing that isn't funny is that Jayne has now spilt his beer all over my beanbag.

"I'm going back to the ship." Simon snorts; apparently Lara is a poor replacement for Kaylee. "Shepherd?"

"Yes, yes, go off and play chess, I don't have any lines for you right now anyway." I roll my eyes.

Simon doesn't look at me as he leaves, while Book shoots me a condescending glare.

"Insulting your writer and shooting pretentious glares does nothing for your cause!" I remind them a bit petulantly as they leave. Apparently they don't give a crap. Whatever.

"So about that hookah ." Jayne begins.

"Jayne." I deadpan.

"What?"

"You bring your own this time?" I arch my brow at him. He doesn't reply, so I know the answer. I roll my eyes as he sulks. "Fine. You know where I keep it."

"Fucking hippie." Riddick smirks.

"You know how to say anything else, Riddick?" I snap back.

"You want to be a stereotype, fine with me." He answers amused.

"One word, Riddick. Type-casting."

"That's two." River points out and I silently remind her that her sanity is under my complete control and she doesn't add anything further.

"Fuck you." He spits out bitterly.

"Need I bring up The Pacifier?"

"That wasn't me." He growls.

"No, that's right, it was your evil reality twin." I snort.

"What did I tell you about saying his name?" He warns.

"And I didn't, did I?" I retort.

"Pushin' it."

"Oh, hose it, Riddick." It's getting way too late for this.

"Back on topic." Mal clears his throat.

"Mal, go home." I groan. "I am not just going to write Inara into your bed; you want it, work for it."

"You'd be doing us all a favor really." Wash rolls his eyes.

"I didn't ask you, flyboy." I hiss and he looks a little hurt. "Sorry, Wash."

"I'm used to it." He shrugs, but I think I've really hurt his feelings.

"I didn't mean to snap at you."

"No, it's okay, really." He tries to assure me, but I can tell he doesn't mean it and Zoe's continuing glare tells me I need to fix this.

"I like your shirt today." I try a different tactic and his face lights up genuinely.

"Hey, thanks!"

"Anytime." I return his grin, grateful I've seemed to placate him.

"Hey, DJ!" Jayne yells from upstairs.

"Jayne! Seriously my brother and Chad are sleeping!" I yell back.

His boots stomp heavily halfway down the stairs and I roll my eyes. "I think Chad's moved it. I can't find it."

"River, please." I ask.

The Reader makes a little sigh but untangles herself from Riddick's arm to go help Jayne in his search.

"Don't let the Little Bit smoke." Mal warns me with a grunt as he tries to pull himself out of the bean bag. "You know how she gets."

"Look at Big Bad over there; he's the only one she listens to." I mentally groan as I realize I've given the convict leverage.

"Exactly why you're writing me into Whispers, girl." He says smugly as he kills off his second beer.

"Already been through this, Riddick." I half growl.

"Don't keep 'em too late, we got a drop on Ezra tomorrow." Mal says as he heads towards the door. His departure is semi-abrupt, but I have a feeling it has something to do with a Companion that is probably in need of some consolation at the moment.

"Please tell Inara I am sorry for wanting to kill her."

"Does that means you're not going too?" He asks hopefully.

I arch a brow at him. "You know better than to ask those types of questions."

"You know, for a hippie you're real keen to kill people." Riddick chuckles.

"Yes, it has been mentioned." I roll my eyes again. I find myself doing that a lot when stuck in a room with the crew.

The door closes with a slam behind Mal. He wants answers, I don't blame him, but I just haven't worked it all out yet. He knows somebody is going to die, it's my M.O.; he just doesn't know who and it's making him antsy.

"I think that's our cue, baby." Zoe smirks as she kills off the last of her beer.

"We're not staying?" Wash eyes the closet door which holds the hookah wistfully.

Zoe shoots him a look and begrudgingly the pilot stands. "Just like the bioluminescent lake, nobody ever lets me have any fun." He complains.

"Hey, what about the dinosaurs?" I interject.

"Yeah, thanks, a grown man obsessed with goose juggling and dinosaurs; no wonder Joss killed me."

"Hey, buck up, big guy." I try to cheer him. "Blame Fox. Joss said he wouldn't have killed you if the series had any chance of coming back."

He doesn't seem cheered at all by the thought; though he fakes a grin for my sake as his wife leads him out.

"You ain't gonna kill him this time, are you?" Kaylee asks fearfully.

"What did I tell Mal? Ya'll know better than to ask those kinds of questions." I scold her just as River and Jayne come sauntering back down the steps.

"Where was it?" I ask River, hoping its diversion enough from the subject at hand.

"Sock drawer." She answers easily.

"How very stereotypical." I snort. It's odd because that's not usually where we keep it. I wonder if Chad took preemptive measures, knowing I was planning on working late tonight.

"You want in?" Jayne asks in a half-grunt as he pulls the hookah out of the closet. "You only got four hoses."

"I could make something." Kaylee pipes in. She's definitely the MacGuyver of the group.

"Hookah burns it fast anyway." Riddick remarked idly.

"Listen, guys." I pause to inhale and exhale a few times. "If I start with that shit, War Stories is never going to get written. I'm going to wind up shutting off my laptop and turning on the Xbox."

"Hey, can we play Call of Duty?" Jayne looks too hopeful for me to deny him.

"Fine." I cave. I had been hoping to get them all in and out of here but it doesn't look like its going to happen. Even Riddick perks up a bit at the idea of Call of Duty.

"You can't use my brother's account or Chad's. The last time ya'll did, half of their friends list disappeared."

"Aw, but you suck at Call of Duty. Your account doesn't have anything unlocked." Jayne was just whining now.

"What do you want from me? We've been through this; I'm an RPGer."

"Fucking pansy." Riddick spits out.

"You know what? Fuck you, Riddick." I snap. I've had enough. I swear, if he makes one remark about Fable or Final Fantasy I just might shiv him myself.

"You keep saying that and it makes me think you're trying to live vicariously through River." He leers at me.

I have to admit, his remark catches me off guard and River shoots me the first dirty look of the evening as she catches the sudden wave of lust.

"You know what vicariously means?" I once more revert to a topic change.

"Careful, you'll hurt my feelings." He warned, but his words drip out like an invitation.

"Anyway " I clear my throat a bit uncomfortably. "How's that hookah comin' along?"

Riddick's dark chuckle tells me he knows exactly what I am trying to do.

"I thought I was making something?" Kaylee interjects from the kitchen; for some odd reason, she's holding a pineapple in one hand and a melon baller in the other. I didn't even know I owned a melon baller.

"Whatever." I mutter as I fumble for my smokes. I toss Jayne another one before he can ask. He rips the filter off it this time before lighting it.

"Mind if I get another beer?" Jayne asks.

I have to raise an eyebrow at his sudden manners. I have a sneaking suspicion he's trying to suck up to me. "Whatever's in there." I wave him off.

"Last one." He grunts as he pops the top off. I can't help but think it's a good sign, usually they bail once I've run out of booze.

"I know for a fact you got an entire bottle of whiskey onboard _Serenity._" I try to tempt them.

"You trying to get rid of us Princess?" Riddick asks as he makes himself comfortable in my brother's gaming chair.

"You trying to get yourself shived?" I counter with a raised eyebrow. "I will turn the Xbox off and put in my copy of The Pacifier. I'm sure Jayne would find it amusing."

"You wouldn't."

"Would I?" I ask archly.

"I know for a fact you don't have a copy. You wouldn't have wasted the coin on that piece of crap."

My face falls slightly. He's called me out. I wasted the four ninety-nine to rent it, I sure as hell didn't waste another twenty bucks on buying it. "I do own Babylon A.D."

Riddick snorts. "Don't ask me what the fuck happened there."

"Yeah, I know right? It was so good up until the end."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jayne just looks confused as a cloud of smoke coughs out from between his lips and he passes me the pineapple. I shoot Kaylee a pleading look because I have no gorram idea what I'm supposed to do with the thing.

"A crappy movie." I shrug as Kaylee demonstrates proper usage of the pineapple. I have to give her credit, that woman is damn inventive.

"Can't be any worse than The Poseidon Adventure." The merc grunts as he pops the disc in the Xbox.

"Got a point." I concede. "You didn't even get to shoot anybody in that one." I have to blink a few times once I realize what has actually left my mouth. What in the hell am I doing up at four-thirty in the morning smoking out of a pineapple and playing Xbox with fictional characters?

"You are not playing." River informs me. "You don't like to play against them."

"Logistics."

"Are everything." She sings out.

"Whatever. Listen guys, this has been real fun and all, but I think it has now spun massively out of control."

"Why is it we don't get to play vid games on _Serenity?_" Jayne asks ignoring me. "What happened there? You don't ever even see one of us watching a vid on the cortex. The whole movie and gaming industry go down with Earth-That-Was or what?"

"Okay wow Jayne, you are now severely out of character." I find myself pinching the bridge of my nose in a very Simon-like fashion. "This has gone on long enough. I'm going to bed. Stay and play video games if you like. Riv, no touching my laptop or Chad's computers, I don't need the FBI in my life again. Kaylee, if you don't mind, Chad's car keeps overheating."

"Write me in a crate of strawberries?" She asks as a cloud of smoke billows out of her lungs.

"No problem." I give her a vague nod-type gesture. So far, that damn car, had cost us over a grand; if she's willing to look at it for a crate of strawberries, I'm in. "Alright, night everybody. Zach should be up in like another hour or so for school, don't give him any shit, okay?"

"Hey, DJ." Jayne stops me before I get a chance to make an escape.

"What Jayne?" I try to keep my cool.

"About me and Kaylee-"

"Goodnight, Jayne." I cut him off. I am way too tired to be dealing with this.

"Night." He grumbles a bit deflated.

"Night, Princess." Riddick chuckles.

"Fuck you too Riddick." I snap at him as I start up the stairs.

"Night, DJ!" Kaylee chirps.

"Night, keys are on the counter."

"_Hao shui_." River sings out.

"Good night, Riv."

A part of me, I have to admit, is nervous leaving them all down there like that, but a larger part of me just doesn't give a shit any longer. I'm tired and, when they start drifting out of character like that, I know its way past my bedtime. Chad hasn't stirred from the bed and I try to slither my way between the covers without waking him.

"You kept Jayne away from my cigars right?" I hear him mumble.

"Yeah." I groan. "But I think they killed off your beer."

"Least they didn't find the whiskey." He rumbles still half asleep. "They gone?"

"Nah, they're still down there playing Call of Duty." I try to snuggle up to him but he's suddenly sitting upright and fully awake.

"Really?"

"Yes." I groan cracking open one eye to see him get out of bed. "Where are you going?" I whine.

"We just downloaded the new maps, I'm going to kick Jayne's ass on the carnival board."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"Just one game babe. Promise."

I groan out a protest but he's already gone. Son of a bitch.

*0*

Endnote: Okay… so yeah. Just thought I'd share.

Til After Now.


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